today i woke up and threw up in my mouth. i can still feel

the lump in my chest. the acrid taste. i don’t want to work

on my project. i don’t want to go to work tomorrow. when Claire asked

if i was okay i said yeah, pretty much. i don’t know. i wonder if

she is thinking as much about this as i am.





i am thinking of maybe studying accounting. i feel fear when

i think about her reading this. it is not well written enough. i

worry that we are not connecting in the same way as before

and i fear that this is my fault. i am not being honest with

myself, and with her. when we are not honest, we do not

connect in the same ways. it does not feel right. it does not

feel easy. there is blockage, resistance.

i am fearful. there is a fearful part of me active right now.

the chills up my spine are quite familiar. i fear that i am an

afterthought, for her. i fear that i do not concern her, that she

does not think of me. i fear that i am somehow not worthy of care.





and so come the tears.





this putrid reliance. dependency of the weak. twinge of sickly

chest feeling, down to my hands. bubbling disgust. they say relationships

show you all there is to know about yourself. well, the cycle is made clear.

i am anxious, i am dependent, and that terrifies me, and so i turn to

avoidance, so as to make myself okay, and i shift focus onto the other

to keep it away from my self and i lie, and i lie, and i lie.





i need you more than you have given. more than you have been available.

i have needed you all week. all these last few weeks. i have pretended that

i do not need you but i do. i have needed you while you have been off with

others having, frankly, a pretty terrible time. i have needed you and you are

going to come home carrying illness and are going to need me. i do not want

to need you, i feel wrong for needing you, i feel selfish and hopeless and miserable

for needing you. i do not know how i allowed myself to get used to needing you

so quickly. just because i had you, i guess. it was exciting, fledgeling. i need you

to talk about my woes, and my triumphs. i need you to talk about my worries and

my plans. i need your focus and attention. i need your care.





but if you cannot provide, then i can take myself away. i can be strong. but i

cannot be strong enough for two. i cannot hold you and wash your troubles

away just to suffer my fever alone. i cannot care for you without caring for me.

you would not want me to. hence why the fault is mine.





am i allowed to ask you to care for me? am i allowed to ask it even when you are

in the throes of a terrible month? am i allowed to deny you my energy? i am tired.

i do not know how much i have to give. i had very little when we started, and i don’t

know that i can tolerate something that is not nourishing. i am sorry.





NOT FOR PUBLIC CONSUMPTION