I lay in bed strategizing

I will be right tomorrow

I will find a way

everything I do seems to be wrong

but I have to be strong

I have to be right

I want so many things but

I cannot have them until

I am worthy

until I am finally right





if you offer me support it suggests

that I am wrong

that I have not been solid enough

the mere suggestion is evidence

enough

and if I can be so honest

I do not understand what support

even is

what is it?

the things people say in books and

on tv

the problems they have that they are

then helped with by way of encouraging

words or straight flattery

do not apply to me

even in real life

when I see people sad and comforted

upset and offered explanation

I do not get it

don’t you get it?

it seems to me that there is this mechanism

of support

a cycle

an ecosystem

and I am not a part of it

I am firmly on the outside





does this mean that I am wrong

for my inability to be affected by the

things that help most others

or does it mean that I am special

that I am gifted in the worst way possible

and that I was born without the hardware

neither the need nor the ability to receive

and that my options are as one

to rise above the challenges that life gives me

to simply be stronger than my difficulties

to power through and carry on





I have this sense that I should look down upon

those that do need

those that need often

those that expect to receive

and I have my moments of feeling better

smarter stronger when I succeed without

any of the help that they were given

but more than anything I do not understand

I just don’t get it

I feel an alien in this world

they are living a life so wholly and completely different

from mine it’s astonishing

how different we seem

at least to me





the place with the. the words. the place of.